By Barry Magid

Zen Buddhists have a big holiday on December 8th called Rohatsu, which commemorates the moment that Buddha was enlightened. They celebrate by meditating for a week, sitting silently in a cross-legged lotus posture each day, starting before dawn and ending late at night, searching for the same realization that Buddha achieved twenty-five hundred years ago.

No getting drunk and telling the boss what you really think. No dancing on the desks. No bonus in your paycheck. No one dressing up as Santa Claus. No office Christmas party at all.

Just sitting.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FUN AND HAPPINESS
Buddhists, though, are not a bunch of killjoys. Since Buddhism makes no claims that contradict Christianity, Buddhists are free to observe whatever outside holidays they choose, even carry on at the office Christmas party, if they are mindful about it (the precepts recommend against gluttony and intoxication). In fact, the practice of Buddhism is all about having a good time, which we think is exploring as deeply and honestly as possible the meaning of a good time and a happy life.

Is there a contradiction here? Buddhists – along with Christians and many philosophers going back to the ancient Greeks – would argue no. They believe that goodness and happiness are ultimately inseparable. That may seem like a stretch, or the kind of platitude that gets dished out and thoroughly ignored in Sunday school. Nobody believes it, at first. It’s the kind of lesson that everyone has to learn for themselves in the course of their life, and some of us can be very slow learners.

We start learning the lesson as children when we have to decide how much candy we want to eat. Any kid will naturally want to eat all the candy available, and their parents usually make the decision for them by setting limits. Parents know that too much candy will just make children sick, not happy. It might make them sick right away if they gorge themselves on a couple pounds of chocolate, or it might make them sick gradually, as they become overweight and subject to all the associated health problems.

Unfortunately, when something makes us feel good in the short term it’s hard to understand that gradually, over time, it can make us sick. It’s called addiction. And the lesson to be learned (the hard way) is that something bad for us in the long run is not going to make us happy, even if it is pleasurable in the short run. We have to learn the difference between fun and happiness, between the short term pleasure of eating candy and the longer term experience of being happy, of feeling good about who we are and how we are living our lives.

Buddha taught that failing to learn that difference is one of the root causes of unhappiness. But he took it a step further and claimed that trying to hold on to, trying to make permanent, any particular feeling – or any thing – is doomed to failure. That’s because everything changes. Nothing is permanent, and the attempt to hold on, to cling, is like trying to hold onto water with your fist. No matter what you do, it will slip away through your fingers.

THREE LESSONS FROM BUDDHA
Now, what does all this have to do with Christmas? Christmas has, for many of us, turned into a holiday that is all about things, things given and things received. Have we learned how transitory the pleasure of all that giving and receiving is? Like I said, we’re slow learners. So what would Buddha say about celebrating Christmas?

First, don’t trust in things. Things don’t last.
Things are not a substitute for love. We try to pack a year’s worth of love and generosity into Christmas, and it just doesn’t fit. We try to prove how much we love our children and parents – with whom we are typically embroiled in complicated love-hate relationships – with lavish expenditures on gifts. “If I give all these presents,” we seem to be saying to ourselves, “I will convince everyone that I am a kind, generous, loving person – and convince myself most of all.” Real love doesn’t need so many expensive proofs.

Second, don’t treat yourself or others as a thing.
Don’t expect yourself or your loved ones to be one unchanging thing all the time. We can never find either happiness or goodness by treating others as objects that we can control or order around to suit our own needs. We damage ourselves and the other when we treat them as something existing only for our sake, to satisfy our personal needs for security, pleasure or admiration.

Third, find a middle way between honesty and empathy.
Buddha called his approach to practice The Middle Way, which he located between the extremes of self-indulgence and self-denial. With our families and friends, we need to find the emotional equivalent of that middle way. Too often we try to assuage family problems with gifts, which isn’t much better than trying to make any problem go away with too much chocolate or alcohol.

How many times have we been to family gatherings that were excruciatingly boring because everyone was trying to be nice? How many times have we been to family gatherings that got a little too interesting when someone exploded over an ancient grievance? We act as if we can put on hold all the complications of the rest of the year, as if reality is on holiday too. Finding the right balance between being honest and not hurting others’ feeling is hard. Make the effort.

Finally, don’t forget these lessons the other 364 days of the year. Make Christmas what it should be, a reminder of the importance of love, not things, in our lives.

Barry Magid is a psychiatrist and Zen teacher at the Ordinary Mind Zendo in Manhattan. He has written two books, Ordinary Mind: Exploring the Common Ground of Zen & Psychotherapy and Ending the Pursuit of Happiness: A Zen Guide.