BY JOHN LEE

Many psychologists and counselors are confused about anger, this misunderstood emotion. One of the main reasons for the misunderstanding is that people often confuse anger with rage. Once we stop using these very different-meaning words interchangeably, anger no longer needs to be the crazy uncle in the family of feelings and thus no longer needs to be avoided.

Some claim that letting out our anger creates and perpetuates more anger. This is true only if the person is a continuous rageaholic, which the majority of people are not. Most people in this country are “repressives” who may rage only sporadically. When allowed to run its natural course, every emotion has an end. If I release a pound of pent-up anger at my alcoholic father, then I don’t have to release that same pound again; I’ll go on to feel and release the next pound of anger until it is all gone.

Some also claim that getting angry increases blood pressure and strains the heart. I’m not a physician, but for years I’ve seen thousands of people express and release their anger, then celebrate as their blood pressure went down. They slept better, medicated less often, had fewer nightmares and felt and expressed love more readily. Indeed, they felt much better for finally being allowed to express their feelings and get them out of their bodies.

‘DON’T FEEL!’

Most alcoholics and addicts have learned at an early age not to show their feelings. Many are embarrassed by their emotions and avoid displaying them at all costs. If they happen to cry in public, they immediately apologize or run for the bathroom until they regain control.

Old-time Twelve Steppers sometimes tell newcomers to “turn their anger over,” “let go and let God,” “do a step on it,” or “make a gratitude list.” All of these are great things to do when appropriate, but often these phrases are code for “don’t feel your feelings – especially anger.” Most recovering alcoholics and addicts are as afraid of anger as anyone else. They too have been taught that anger equals pain.

People often try to think away their feelings of anger, sadness, loneliness, fear or anxiety. Most of these people are cut off from their bodies and wouldn’t know a feeling if it bit them. I should know. I was always flying up into my head so I wouldn’t have to feel. When people asked me what I was feeling, I’d invariably tell them what I was thinking.

REALITY AND ACCEPTANCE

Alcoholism and addiction, among other things, is rage acted out by people who have been angry for a long time but have been encouraged not to feel it, threatened not to feel it and, thus, have been afraid to feel it. Most alcoholics and addicts have a lot of anger about how different they are, how different things are, how different situations and people are as opposed to the way they want themselves, others and situations to be. There is a huge space between what we want to be and what is, and that space is filled with alcohol and drugs, people and processes. That space between the way it is and the way I would like for it to be could be filled with anger, grief, acceptance and then love. However, most of us were not taught how to express our anger, or how to “accept” people, places and things as they are. So we may drink and drug in lieu of this acceptance.

Adapted from John Lee’s book “The Missing Peace: Solving the Anger Problem for Alcoholics, Addicts & Those Who Love Them” (Health Communications Inc. 2006).

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