BY JEAN CAMPBELL

There’s a relationship equation that stymies lots of recovering codependents: If I take care of you instead of me, I feel resentful; if I take care of me instead of you, I feel guilty. As one of my former clients used to say, “Those are my choices? I’m f-d!”

These behaviors are learned, and they’re learned early on. JL Moreno, the father of psychodrama, believed that our family is our model group – it’s the first group that we’re a part of, and the roles, responses, attitudes and behaviors that are developed in that original group tend to manifest in our lives over and over again.

WHERE DO YOU FIT?
There are four classic roles for the children in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family system – the hero (the “perfect” child), the scapegoat (the “problem” child), the mascot (the “comic” or “peacemaker” child) and the lost child, whose name is self-explanatory. According to Moreno’s theory, the role that we played in this original group (family) will continue to manifest in all the subsequent groups to which we belong – at work, in organizations, in friendships and romantic relationships, and in the family we develop as an adult. Since those thoughts and beliefs are unconscious, when it comes to changing behavior, we need to have heightened awareness of what we’re doing, the willingness to try something different and to tolerate it when things get tough.

So even if we know that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity, how do we begin to change when it comes to our role in relationships? Where do we start?

A good place could be to write out a history of the groups to which you’ve belonged, and identify any patterns that might have emerged, starting with your family of origin. For example, if you were the hero child in your family, you might have a tendency to try to do everything perfectly at work, to take on more than you should, neglect your own self-care and end up with resentments. Once you’ve identified that pattern, you can begin to notice where and when you’re struggling with it. When something isn’t being done at work, and it isn’t your responsibility, do you step in anyway, and then get a resentment? How uncomfortable is it for you to tolerate it not getting done? Where do you feel that in your body? Do you feel guilty for not doing it? Can you refrain from doing that next time, and notice what happens?

SITTING WITH IT
When an addict feels uncomfortable, she uses; when a codependent feels uncomfortable, she does something. So for the recovering codependent, we have to tolerate the distress, or as they say in Al-Anon, “Don’t just do something, sit there.” That doesn’t mean that you have to sit in it alone…you can go to a meeting, write about it, pray about it, call your sponsor if you have one, bring it to therapy, or utilize any of the tools that help you to sit with that discomfort. Eventually, the feeling will go away.

One of the dirty little secrets about recovering from codependency is that when we begin to change our behavior, people around us don’t like it. Even if they’re overtly telling us they’re glad that we’re taking care of ourselves, covertly, they’re not happy and may try to do things to “guilt” us into doing what we’ve always done in the past. So we end up feeling like the bad guy just because we’ve stopped putting everyone else’s needs before our own. When the people around us unconsciously try to sabotage our efforts to change, we have to remember that when we set a boundary, it’s our responsibility to keep it! We have to expect that people are just going to do things the way they’ve always done them, but with help, we can continue to stand strong in our new behavior and say no to what doesn’t feel right for us.

When the feelings of guilt emerge, you can turn to your support system for reassurance that it’s okay to take care of yourself. Resentments may get bigger, but guilt can get smaller. Little by little, if you share your behavioral changes with those safe people in your life, not only will your actions change, but your beliefs will, too.

As the saying goes, change is good. The truth is that it’s also hard work, and it takes a village. So set your sights on what you’d like to change, get your support in place – and actually use it – and you’ll find that you don’t have to be either a hero or a bad guy – you can just be you!

And remember, if you have a history of codependency and you’re feeling guilty about something, it probably means you’re taking care of yourself.

Jean Campbell, LCSW, TEP, is the Director of the Action Institute of California. www.theactioninstitute.com