BY KAY BUTLER-LUEKING

The taboo topic of sex addiction is plastered all over the media these days. So, what is sex addiction and why is there so much controversy surrounding it?

Noted expert, Dr. Patrick Carnes defines sex addiction as a recurrent behavioral pattern which includes the inability to resist engaging in extreme sexual behaviors. Sex addiction can also be seen as the use or dependence on sexual expression to deal with life’s stressors.

Like other addictions, sex addiction usually follows several distinct and predictable patterns. When a pattern is continually repeated despite negative consequences, it can be considered an addiction. The cycle of addiction also predicts the addicted person will experience the onset of cravings to continue the behavior, intense pleasure and relief in planning and acting out rituals, followed by a period of withdrawal and onset of cravings once again.

Engaging in risky behaviors and distorted thinking patterns also often go hand-in-hand with sex addiction. Examples of distorted thinking patterns include: obsessions, rationalizing, justifying and denial.

The controversy surrounding the subject of sex addiction may stem from the fact that some people dispute whether this type of extreme sexuality can actually be considered an addiction. Since no chemical or substance is involved physical symptoms such as tolerance and withdrawal are not measurable. However, research indicates that sex addiction follows similar patterns and affects the brain similarly to other addictions. Although it is not currently included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Health Disorders (DSM-IV), efforts are underway to include it under the title of Hypersexuality in the 2012 edition. Currently, a diagnosis of Sexual Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified does exist.

WHAT ARE SOME SPECIFIC EXAMPLES WHICH MIGHT INDICATE SEX ADDICTION?
Compulsive use of pornography and or self-gratification, numerous affairs or sexual partners, compulsive use of phone or computer sex, use of prostitutes, and violent sex would all be examples of possible sex addiction.

According to experts, Drs. Ralph and Marcus Earle of Psychological Counseling Services, Ltd. (PCS), individuals who are concerned about the possibility of sex or love addiction can look for the following warning signs: Constantly seeking a sexual partner, new romance or significant other; inability or difficulty being alone; using sex, seduction and intrigue to hold onto a partner; using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions; when in a relationship, being detached or unhappy; when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone; inability to leave unhealthy relationships despite repeated promises to self or others; returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others; mistaking sexual experiences and romantic intensity for love.

The Earles state that other warning signs to watch for include: out of control behavior, time lapses, severe consequences due to sexual behavior, inability to stop despite adverse consequences, persistent pursuit of self-destructive or high risk behaviors, ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior, using sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy, severe mood changes around sexual activity, and neglect of important social, occupational, or recreational activities.

They also note that other compulsive behaviors might be involved such as work, drugs, eating disorders, and perfectionism – what Dr. Patrick Carnes calls addiction interaction disorder. Significant changes in sexual behavior may be evidenced. Intimacy may be decreased due to the intimacy disability through the acting out behaviors.

WHO IS AT RISK FOR DEVELOPING SEX ADDICTION?
Many professional therapists in the field of sexual addiction believe these behaviors are traceable to early childhood development. Individuals who grew up without sexual information and education as children may be at risk. Individuals who encountered early sexual experiences or were neglected in childhood are at risk. Childhood shame affects a person’s entire identity. Shame at a young age, coupled with other compulsive behaviors puts individuals at risk for developing sexual addiction.

The stigma surrounding this type of addiction may be tied to the shame associated with it. Unlike other addictions, this type of behavior is characterized by the deepest kind of boundary violation – to one’s self and his or her loved ones. Dr. Marcus Earle describes this type of addiction as tied to one’s very essence and who they are at the core.

Like other addictions, sex addiction does not discriminate. Individuals affected come from all socioeconomic backgrounds. The stereotypical image most people hold of sex addiction is not accurate. Individuals struggling with sex addiction can be found in both professional and blue collar environments.

WHAT IS THE TREATMENT?
An initial goal will be education and “carefronting” as Dr. Ralph Earle calls it. According to the Earles, most individuals with sex addiction don’t know or can’t admit they are addicted, so it is important to help them admit and accept they have a problem. They also emphasize the importance of learning about and developing healthy self-esteem, healthy intimacy, and healthy sexuality. A key focus will include marital and family therapy since the partnership and family members are so intricately involved. Honesty, empathy, and disclosure should also be key aspects of treatment. Dealing with boundaries and shame will be included since most people with sex addiction live in the shadow of shame. Learning to control the addictive behavior will be a major goal. Establishing a healthy recovery support system is crucial. The treatment process may include Cognitive-Behavioral therapy, Experiential therapy, and a solid relapse prevention plan. For some individuals, medications to deal with obsessions may be prescribed as part of the treatment process.

Sexual addiction is viewed by Dr. Ralph Earle as a sign of an “intimacy disability.” The basic building blocks to form intimate relationships are incomplete. Therefore, the road to healing will be based on learning to trust, to rebuild relationships with one’s Higher Power, with oneself, and with others. Their healing process promotes interdependence on a Higher Power, self, and others. They underscore the importance of learning to tolerate conflict, ambiguity and imperfection; being willing to self-disclose and to answer “Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?”

The Earles highlight the importance of supporting the family members of persons with sexual addiction, particularly the spouse or partner. According to the Earles, the devastating impact of behaviors which directly impact their partners include: the betrayal of lying and living a “double life,” objectifying and sexualizing other people; time taken from the relationship and work due to sexual binge pursuits; and rapid and unpredictable mood changes.

Perhaps more than with any other addiction, the self-esteem of the partner is battered; they feel they must be lacking something. It is vitally important for the partners to learn they did not choose their addiction and there is a way out.

WHAT CAN WE EXPECT IN THE FUTURE?
With the extreme advances in technology, experts predict that we can expect accelerated sexually-related issues with not only adults but particularly with youth and teens. For example, Dr. Carnes notes that combining sexuality and technology will increase unhealthy sexual experimentation among teens and youth as well as adults. Both Drs. Ralph and Marcus Earle report that since more adults are exposed to Internet technology than ever before, more adults are engaging in sexually-related activities who might otherwise never have. The news media is reporting an increase in cyber sex and sexual texting or sexting among youth. The explosive growth of the Internet and pornography industry will likely be accompanied by explosive growth in sexual preoccupation and addiction among youth, teens and adults.

Recovery from addiction starts by asking for help. Many individuals may have to “hit a bottom” in order to be desperate and willing enough to seek treatment. Finding connection with a self-help organization is vital. Self-help groups include: Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), S-anon or Co-dependents of Sex Addicts (COSA), and Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA). Recovery will also include finding a sponsor and accountability group. Pursuing spiritual recovery is crucial. And for many, therapy will be an important component of healing.

Kay Butler-Lueking, MC, LPC, specializes in counseling services related to substance abuse/addiction, anxiety and depression, trauma, self-esteem and relationship issues. For more information visit: www.pcsearle.com and www.sexhelp.com