By Pat S.

We’ve all read them, sometimes as we struggle to understand why we can’t stop drinking despite countless vows to do so, wondering if perhaps we are, God forbid, alcoholics. Sometimes as we look back on our recovery, wondering what it was that finally pushed us across that imaginary chasm into grateful sobriety.

I speak of those 20 Questions that appear in the front of the meeting lists, on pamphlets in hospitals and doctors’ offices, and published beside articles on horrific traffic accidents caused by drunk drivers.

The questions are designed to appeal to our intellect. To highlight circumstances that, if examined honestly, would surely have us put the plug in the jug. The problem is that one of alcohol’s most immediate side effects is loss of judgment and objectivity. What is crystal clear to some is anything but to the alcoholic or his (or her) codependent co-conspirator. I was clueless.

I recently had reason to examine my bottom after a healthy (but inconclusive) debate on why our bottoms are our bottoms, why it took so much to finally get to the point where I gave up alcohol and started going to meetings. I looked to the twenty questions for a clue.

•  •  •  •  •  •

1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking?
No, I always reported to work bright and early. I rarely had hangovers, so I was able to get up and get going. Of course, there were the four-hour lunches. And the times we drank on the job. But I never called in sick. Well, maybe once. Or twice.

2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
Absolutely not. My unhappy home life had nothing to do with my drinking. My ex rarely said, “Don’t drink so much.” She wasn’t happy when I stayed out all hours, or when I failed my obligations as a husband (these were minor issues of honesty and reliability). But she rarely criticized my drinking. Everything else, yes. But rarely my drinking.

3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
I would say no. It is true that I was very shy, and that when I took my first drink my inhibitions melted away like magic. Though I made a fool of myself, I delighted in the alcohol-driven freedom from my years of self-consciousness. No, I drank because I loved the taste of beer and Scotch.

4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
I think not. I don’t know that I had a reputation before I drank. I was a shy and quiet student, whom few people noticed. Of course I had a reputation after I started drinking. But the answer to the question is that there was nothing to affect.

5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
Absolutely not. This is irrelevant. I can feel remorse any time of the day. If I did feel remorse after drinking it was not because of the drinking. It was because of the things I did or didn’t do. But not because of drinking itself.

6. Have you often gotten into financial difficulties because of drinking?
I would have to say no. My financial troubles were due to poor investment calculations and a tendency to purchase things I couldn’t afford. And of course, it was the two divorces that really bankrupted me. The hundreds of dollars I would spend on alcohol each month were a mere drop in the bucket.

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
No. I pride myself on having few prejudices. All men are created equal, whether on Wall Street or on the Bowery. I drank in four-star restaurants and dark, smelly bars throughout my drinking career. There was that knife fight one night, but that was the exception, rather than the rule.

8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?
Absolutely not. I have always loved my children. Most have never seen me drink. When I was drinking, I never put them in any more danger than I would put myself.

9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
Au contraire! I never had a vision of what I wanted to be as I grew up. Once I started drinking, I decided I wanted to be the US Ambassador to France. A dream I haven’t yet fulfilled. In fact, I no longer aspire to that position.

10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
No. Anytime was fine.

11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
I would have to say no. I do remember the time I was commuting with my two alcoholic colleagues. They had picked me up from home at 8 a.m., and I shared that I had started my day with Irish Cream. They looked at me as if I were an alcoholic. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
Absolutely not. Drinking usually knocked me out. I could stay up late, but I usually slept soundly after a night on the town.

13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
No. I never took any efficiency measurements. Though I did lose a job or two, I don’t think it was efficiency related. More of a reliability issue.

14. Is drinking jeopardizing your  job or business?
Negative. No, in my line of work, drinking is the norm, almost expected. We entertain clients and customers. One employer even said he liked it more when I was drinking.

15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
I would have to say no. That wasn’t the reason I drank. I admit that I worried less about everything while I was drinking. Of course, I worried more the next day. That’s not the point. I drank because I like to drink, not to escape.

16. Do you ever drink alone?
What kind of question is that? Of course. I eat alone too. This question doesn’t count.

17. Have you ever had a loss of memory as a result of drinking?
I don’t remember. I do remember one time I thought I lost my memory when I couldn’t find my car after a night at the bar. But it turns out I had taken my motorcycle. My friend who had been drinking “borrowed” my car and forgot where he had taken it from. His issue, not mine.

18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
No. I was generally physically healthy. So I didn’t have a doctor.

19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
Heavens no. I like alcohol. Tastes great. Refreshing. I like the way it made me feel – so much that I drank a lot. No, I did not drink to build self-confidence.

20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
No. It was only because I was miserable and didn’t like my life. My father was in rehab for his alcoholism, and I went for a weekend to participate in the “family program.” I stayed 28 days.

How am I supposed to interpret the results?
• If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.
• If you answered “yes” to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
• If you answered “yes” to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

Guess I’m not an alcoholic.